Jim
Jim is the house hand at Anyone But England. Hamish writes The Tape. Jim draws.
New plates keep coming, and every plate gets a number. Each one starts from a real result, a real ground and a real date, and the caption has to match the record before it goes up. No badges and no borrowed crests. Just the JIM signature.
The numbers only go one way.
-
Coventry still goalless
Four games, no goals for Coventry. Cue the Lampard 0-0-7 joke. It writes itself, unlike the goals.
-
Leicester's administration rumours
Administration rumours at Leicester, and King Power reply with debt-to-equity. The numbers do the talking now.
-
Arsenal's Brighton test
A perfect start for the champions, and now Brighton. The title defence gets its first real test.
-
Sunderland back in Europe
Sunderland win 1-0 on their Europa return after 53 years. Le Fée from the spot. Worth every one of those years.
-
Ronaldo in Jesus's first squad
Cristiano Ronaldo is called up in Jorge Jesus's first Portugal squad. Some names never come off the sheet.
-
Raphinha, Barça for life
Raphinha plans a new Barcelona contract to take him to retirement. The contract that never ends.
-
Two in, two out at Celtic
Celtic appoint Mark Keane and Raymond Buchanan to the board. Two in, two out, with Lawwell and Allison the ones leaving.
-
O'Neill snaps
Celtic lose 3-0 to Rangers in the cup and 3-1 to Ferencváros in Europe, and O'Neill snaps at a reporter. They're still top, and his eyes are on the Old Firm.
-
Liverpool eye Lee Dykes
Hughes is off to Al-Hilal, so Liverpool look at Brentford's Lee Dykes for sporting director. Dykes or Ward, by the sound of it.
-
Madrid linked with Branthwaite
Real Madrid linked with Everton's Jarrad Branthwaite at £80m. Interest only, and he is under contract to 2030.
-
Isak embraces Liverpool
£125m from Newcastle, and Isak embraces the Liverpool move and the Iraola era. He looks settled already.
-
The tweet that aged badly
A 2021 tweet saying Carrick was better than Arteta resurfaces as Arsenal soar. Aged like milk.
-
Raphinha tied to 2030
Barcelona agree a new Raphinha deal through June 2030. The winger Leeds let go, tied down for four more years.
-
Villa win at Tottenham
Aston Villa take their first Premier League win of the season, away at Tottenham. Spurs sit on 2 points.
-
Van de Ven: unacceptable
Van de Ven calls it unacceptable after Spurs' latest setback. A big word, and he said it on camera.
-
Mourinho on Real Madrid
Mourinho on Real Madrid: it cannot compare itself, and it is hard to hear anything positive. He answers to nobody.
-
Álvarez fit for the derby
Simeone confirms Julián Álvarez is available for the Madrid derby. Start or sub, he will decide later.
-
Mbappé: just the beginning
Mbappé on Barcelona's strong start: good for them, it is just the beginning. September is not a season.
-
Raya from distance
OptaJoe on David Raya: 20.6% of the Premier League goals he has conceded came from outside the box, 33 of 160. Only Segers is worse, at 22%, 36 of 164.
-
Boyd on Carrick's United
A Scottish voice says it on Sky. Kris Boyd looks at Carrick's Manchester United and sees a club living off its history.
-
Kompany on Olise
Kompany on Michael Olise: the whole package impressed him. The person, the play, and easy to work with.
-
City's crazy win
City's crazy win over Sunderland leaves one argument running: who was man of the match?
-
City's eight-goal thriller
Eight goals and another City win. That is five league wins in a row.
-
Brobbey's hat-trick, still lost
Brobbey scores a hat-trick against City and ends up on the losing side. The first since Roque Santa Cruz, Blackburn v Wigan, December 2007.
-
McInnes, two from two
McInnes wins his first two Old Firm derbies. Only Souness, in 1986, did it before him.
-
Laporta plans Messi tribute
Laporta plans a Messi tribute once Spotify Camp Nou is finished. Hoped for by the start of 2028. Hoped.
-
Flick on Raphinha: yes
Flick on Raphinha: yes. Happy with him, the best decision, the best captain. Not much room for doubt.
-
Spurs don't keep clean sheets
The Sunday Supplement verdict: Spurs don't keep clean sheets. No argument from the room.
-
Carrick let down upstairs
Dominic King says Carrick has been let down by the people above him. The problem is upstairs.
-
Palmer out of England squad
Cole Palmer withdraws from the England squad with a small muscle injury. Shame, that.
-
Five out for England
Five ruled out of England's Nations League squad. Five names struck off the list. We'll try to cope.
-
Gibbs-White in for Palmer
Gibbs-White is poised to replace Palmer in Tuchel's squad. England reach for the replacement.
-
Champions fall at the Amex
Brighton beat the reigning champions at the Amex. Third season running the champions have lost there. Tradition is tradition.
-
Mourinho: calm, there's time
Mourinho asks to be left in peace. Calm, he says, there's time. Whether anyone listens is another matter.
-
Rice reaches 300 starts
Declan Rice reaches 300 Premier League starts, the third-youngest to do it. Durable, you have to give him that.
-
Merson: no way for City
Paul Merson says there is no way City lift the trophy this season. Bold call, Merse.
-
November TV reshuffle
English football's November kick-offs are moved for TV. The fixture list bends to the cameras again.
-
Arteta nearing a long deal
Arteta is nearing a long-term deal. In for the long haul, by the look of it.
-
Hürzeler extended to 2029
Hürzeler's Brighton have beaten the big six, and he is extended to 2029. The giant-killer stays put.
-
Bruno's 31 points
Bruno Fernandes has 31 FPL points over five gameweeks, while United make their joint-worst five-game start. Good for the fantasy managers, anyway.
-
Liverpool's 18 call-ups
Liverpool wish their 18 international call-ups luck. Eighteen away, and Alisson gets a rest.
-
UEFA's 13 seconds of MSN
UEFA mark the MSN years with a 13-second clip. Thirteen seconds for the 2015 treble. Generous.
-
Rangers win at Celtic Park
Rangers win 1-0 at Celtic Park. Boyd calls it "men against boys". No more needs said.
-
Pocognoli's first Scotland squad
Pocognoli names his first Scotland squad. 24 players, five of them uncapped. Five new shirts on the peg.
-
England lose five before Spain
England lose five before Spain. Gibbs-White and Garner come in. We'll try to cope.
-
England v Spain, six recalls
England v Spain at Wembley on 26 September, with six players recalled for it.
-
Brighton end Arsenal's run
Brighton 3-0 Arsenal ends a seven-game winning run. Arteta's verdict: "extremely poor technically". Hard to disagree.
-
Brentford 3-0 Chelsea
Brentford 3-0 Chelsea. Alonso: "This is not how to compete in the Premier League." Noted.
-
Spurs' worst start yet
Spurs 2-3 Villa, and the worst Premier League start in the club's history. De Zerbi: "I didn't speak with the players today."
-
Fulham 1-1 United
Fulham 1-1 United. Neville's verdict: "worst 15 minutes… absolutely pathetic". Strong words for a draw.
-
Brobbey's hat-trick, City win 5-3
City 5-3 Sunderland. Brobbey scores a hat-trick and still ends up on the losing side. Three goals, no points.
-
Players Cup starts short-handed
The Players Cup starts with holders Chelsea, Arsenal and City all absent. United v Sheffield United at Leigh Sports Village gets it going.
-
Hibs appoint Reedijk
Hibs appoint Dutchman Reedijk on a three-year deal to replace David Gray, with Molhoek as assistant. He won promotion unbeaten with SK Beveren. First up, Dundee United on 10 October.
-
Curtis and Wilson to the Under-21s
Curtis, 20, and Wilson, 19, are released to Docherty's Under-21s for Azerbaijan at Rugby Park on 30 September.
-
McBurnie eternally grateful
McBurnie says he is "eternally grateful" for his recall. Gratitude noted.
-
The board backs O'Neill
Two Old Firm defeats, and O'Neill has questioned his own future. He keeps board backing from CEO Michael Nicholson. For now.
-
Rangers fan faces jail
A Rangers fan faces jail for urging a mass pitch invasion. Keep off the pitch means keep off the pitch.
-
Hateley wants a loan teenager
Hateley urges Rangers to sign a Premier League teenager on loan. Shopping advice, free of charge.
-
Bradford let Alexander talk
Heckingbottom is gone, and Bradford let Alexander talk to Preston. He is ex-Preston, and under contract to 2028.
-
Semenyo up for September award
Semenyo is nominated for September Player of the Month, alongside Isak and Gross. A nomination, nothing more yet.
-
City guilty on 114 of 115
City found guilty on 114 of 115 Premier League financial charges covering 2009 to 2018, cleared on one. The club denies them and will appeal. Sanctions are not yet decided.
-
United fans claim 1999
United fans claim 1999, Premier League, FA Cup and the Champions League against Bayern, as the only untainted English Treble. A fan argument. No trophies are changing hands.
-
Four leagues take on FIFA
The Premier League, La Liga, Bundesliga and Serie A demand a FIFA governance overhaul: a say on the calendar, evidence-based proposals, the regulator split from the commercial side, and a Governance Convention within 100 days of the next president.
-
Over £3bn still owed
Premier League clubs owe over £3bn in transfer instalments. United about £375m, Chelsea about £356.5m, Spurs about £304.6m. UEFA's Traverso calls the model fragile if the market slows.
-
Hassan out of Egypt squad
Celtic's Haissem Hassan, 24, is out of the Egypt squad injured. Coach Hossam Hassan promises intensive treatment and calls him a long-term asset.
-
Havertz off after half an hour
Havertz goes off after about 30 minutes of Germany 1-1 Netherlands. Back to Arsenal for assessment, having started every Premier League game.
-
Carrick calls it ridiculous
Carrick's club deny the sacking rumour, and Carrick calls it ridiculous. One league win in five, and a League Cup exit to Brighton after leading 2-0. Ridiculous is one word for it.
-
Hürzeler, edited into United
Fans have been editing Hürzeler into a United shirt. Speculation only. No approach, no talks.
-
Aberdeen lose 500 tickets
Aberdeen FC lose 500 of around 17,000 tickets for the Premier Sports Cup semi against Rangers at Hampden on 31 October, after pyro and a pitch incursion at the 12 September quarter-final. CEO Adrian Bevington urges restraint.
-
Celtic and Rangers appeal
Celtic and Rangers appeal closed-door Scottish Cup ties and £100k fines each after disorder at the 8 March quarter-final. Celtic's hearing is on 26 October.
-
They've Beaten Everybody
Champions of the world, champions of Europe. And Scotland are still the only side to beat Luis de la Fuente's Spain inside 90 minutes in a competitive game. Hampden, 28 March 2023, 2-0.
